The Blog of Photographer Jacob Vorpahl.
DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read is nonsensical, unrealistic, completely 93% fabricated un-truth, or what some people might call stupid. So, if you don’t like any or all of those, maybe go do something else for a moment while I entertain my slightly overdeveloped (or underdeveloped depending on your point of view) creative side. However, if you don’t mind reading something completely ridiculous with a few very… ‘interesting‘ pictures thrown in, then proceed. Know this though: gummies were harmed in the making of this story.
It all started with a phone call. “Hey babe,” my wife says to me over the phone, “I was supposed to make a dessert for Steve’s birthday tonight but I don’t think I’m gonna have the time to go to the store to get everything and make it back home to put it together.” This was an unfortunate situation. I always love Sarah’s desserts, she has a way of making them look classy and taste great. But since she wouldn’t have the time to make something tonight, the bigger issue was having something for Steve.
Within the few seconds that passed before my brain caught up with my mouth, I was envisioning a sad and distraught Steve sulking as we delivered him the news that we wouldn’t be able to give him a special sugary treat for his birthday. I’m sure it would crush him and potentially ruin his entire birthday, no matter what his wife or family might think to do for him. And then I started to hear the conversation with my wife taking place and realized I was speaking. I was hearing myself say words like, “it’s no problem sweet heart”, or “nah, it doesn’t seem that complicated”. So, I decided to pay attention a bit more closely and then I heard these dreaded words, “Thanks for offering to make it, babe. You’re the best. I never would have even thought to ask you.”
Oh no. I volunteered to make the dessert. How the heck did THAT happen? Ok, stay calm, just stay calm. Pay attention. “The recipe is on the counter at home. It’s real simple. Just make a layer of crushed oreo, then chocolate pudding, then orea, then pudding, then cover it in whip cream.” Oh, phew. That doesn’t seem too bad. I can do that. So we exchanged a few more pleasantries before getting off the phone, and once we were done it hit me: brownie points. That’s what must have gotten me into this, for better or worse. But, to my advantage, this dessert was easy and I could already see them brownie points racking up.
So I hit the store on my way home and grabbed the ingredients, along with a pack of gummi bears and gummi worms that Sarah had requested for something-or-another with her class. Probably should have been paying attention to that too. But, it was too late to fix that now. I left the store and put the groceries in the back of the 4Runner before hopping in the driver’s seat. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I thought I heard a couple crinkles coming from the bags I had just loaded, but I dismissed it as being unimportant. After pulling up to the house, I went to grab the bags from the back and noticed that somehow the bags of gummi bears and gummi worms had found their way out of the store’s bags. I found it to be peculiar, but, I was in a hurry so they just got picked up along with the rest of the stuff.
Inside, I started the Kitchen-Aid on the pudding and then I began to mercilessly crush the Oreos. Within no time I had my layers of pudding and Oreo but unfortunately the whip cream was not creamy enough to spread over the soft pudding, so I set it out to warm up a bit while I went tried to entertain myself. While surfing the internet looking for ideas to put on the top of the mudpie type dessert, I heard some noise coming from the kitchen, first crinkling and then a bunch of scuffling sounds. As I got up from my seat, I walked into my kitchen and what I saw could only be described as shocking: the gummies were alive! And… they were fighting!
At this point, the worms had the bears backed up into their own bag. I don’t know how or why, but they did. Still shocked that I was actually seeing gummies fight it out, I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on next to me until it was too late. I turned my head, and there it was: gummi carnage.
From what I gathered after the fact, there was tension because both sides apparently wanted to be used in the mudpie dessert and didn’t think there was room for both of them. So they figured they’d have an ole fashion scuffle to figure out who got the honor. That is, until things got nasty. The bears decided they would go for extreme intimidation and flat out melted off the face of one of the worms. In retaliation for their grevious act, the worms simply decided to lop off the head of one of the bears.
It seemed as if it was going to get worse before it got better, until something completely unexpected happened. All the lights dimmed slowly, the fighting came to a stop, and before my very eyes he appeared…. Don Gummi!
There he was, in all his clear-flavored gummi glory, Don Gummi. He was flanked by his Henchgummies Red Assassin and Lanky Leo the Lemon Drop. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked to his small, deformed, mishapen body. Then he spoke in very low tones, saying something about “being around a long time” and “showing the scars”. I dunno, I wasn’t paying attention because I was too caught up in the fact that I was ACTUALLY WATCHING GUMMIES FIGHT!
Anyways, seems that he had the respect of everyone there and he worked out a compromise in which they all shared retail space on the mudpie dessert, with this being the end result:
In the end, it was all pretty amazing. Steve got his sugary treat, the gummies stopped fighting, I got brownie points, and everyone was happy.
You may be asking yourself, saying,”Self, what’s the moral of this story?” It’s actually pretty simple. If you ever buy candy and hear it crinkling in the bag in the back seat, don’t assume that it’s nonviolent candy or you’ll end cleaning up dead gummi bits just like me.
Jacob, you have too much time on your hands. lol. The dessert looked great and your blog was funny. This is what I was thinking, “He ate most of the candy and needed to come up with an excuse for why half the candy was missing fast, so he wrote this.” Cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh.
ROFL! yeah i put my gummies in plastic containers to prevent this from happening! melted faces are hard to clean up !