Nuts Begins

Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news for you. Ever since my deployment to Iraq back in March 2006 and subsequent return in the following November, my good friend Nuts has been… well, lifeless. I know, you’re thinking, of course Jacob, he’s a beanie baby, why wouldn’t he be lifeless? Well, it’s hard to explain, but when we were overseas, he was my pal, with me all the time, on missions, etc. Something was different now. He just sat there….

Well, I have now uncovered the true story of Nuts and it’s one of adventure and mystery. And acorns. And twigs. Actually, there is no mention of acorns or twigs in the rest of the story, but you knew that, didn’t you? None of that matters, though, because Nuts is back. Prepare to wet yourself in fear… or at least maybe be impressed by his cool looking-through-the-light-that-is-only-shining-on-part-of-his-face ninja stare.

It all started back in October of 2006. We were on our way back from Iraq through Kuwait and that’s when I first started noticing that Nuts seemed too quiet. His usual routine of giving me wet willies and dining on morning peanut butter toast ceased completely. I figured he was just getting prepared to get back into civilian life, but I was wrong. Truth be told, Nuts had actually switched himself out with a decoy! Boy do I feel better now that I realize I was trying to jam a piece of peanut butter toast into a real stuffed animal’s mouth and not his. Boy was that messy.

It turns out that after we got into a long firefight with a group of insurgents in Habiniyah, Iraq in the previous August, Nuts felt compelled to go back and make sure the group was taken care of. So when we were leaving Ramadi, he slipped out of my bag and in his place put an exact look-a-like. He constructed the lifeless Nuts out of lint and hair he collected for a whole month around the camp while we were sleeping at night. Once out of sight, he stealthily made his way out of the camp and on to the dangerous streets of Iraq.

Now, you would think that a bipedal squirrel making his way around Iraq would raise some eyebrows, but, then you have to consider that we’re not talking about your average, run-of-the-mill, get run over by a car, store food for the winter squirrel here- we’re talking about a ninja squirrel, one of the rarest of rare warriors in existence. He’ll blend in.

And blend in he did. He first scouted out the area and made note of all the important people in the area south of Ramadi where the insurgent group had been located. Then, bold as he is, he staged a secret meeting with the local tribal leaders and, even though they were completely flabbergasted that they were making plans with a secret ninja squirrel with a beanie baby tag on his rear, he was able to rally them to his side to aid him in his fight against Al Qaeda and the insurgents. Some say that General Petraeus is responsible for getting the Iraqi tribal leaders to work with us, but it just may be possible that it all started here with Nuts. History will tell.

Once the situation on the ground improved, Nuts was able to move about more freely and started to gather intelligence. First, he learned that all members of the group that attacked us had either all been dealt with the day of the firefight or soon thereafter by other Marine units in the area. However, Nuts uncovered something so evil, so deadly that it surprised even him- and he’s a ninja squirrel! Buried deep within the sand in a remote location in the city of Fallujah, he found documents telling of Al Qaeda’s next big plan.

Yes, Nuts learned that Al Qaeda is secretly preparing to unleash trained militant stuffed animals on the civilized world and will go to any length to achieve their goals. He’s not sure how far they’ve gotten in their plans, so right now any stuffed animal near you could be a trained Al Qaeda operative waiting in the dark to find the right moment to strike. Be cautious. Be alert. In fact, it might be a good idea right now to check each one of them to see if they’re fake or not. You do that by taking something sharp and jabbing it into it a few times. Nuts has told me that they’re trained to take a stab or two, so do it 5 or 6 times just to be safe. Then you can be sure you’re out of harm’s way. Moving on.

Upon learning of this information, Nuts decided it was best to make his way back home to somewhere safe so he could plan out his next moves. Unfortunately travel is not easy for a secret ninja squirrel so it has taken him months to make it back. Thankfully he is now safely back at home and beginning to make plans to stop the evil scheme to turn the world’s stuffed animals against them. And he and I are back to enjoying peanut butter toast. Sometimes. He sleeps in late, though and I don’t so it doesn’t always work out. Nonetheless, feel a bit safer knowing you have a secret ninja squirrel working to rid the world of a very serious problem: rogue militant terrorist stuffed animals.

He now waits to make his next move.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2008 at 12:23 pm. It is filed under Comedy, Nuts, the Secret Ninja Squirrel, Photos and tagged with Al Qaeda, funny, goofy, Nuts, the Secret Ninja Squirrel, squirrel, stuffed animals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.